Life and broken hope

Here I am running back and forth between the kids room. Then I realize, in most likely, less than a week, this will be my life. Single mom with two kids.Yes he said he will help, but he won't be living with us. So there will be only so much that can be done. Things on my list of never wanting to happen are now happening. If I would of known this was the outcome, things would of been different. It's like the Who Knew song by Pink.

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew 

And I realize that the forever and ever part was being a mom. Not being partners. I am grasping to what little hope I have left. When we first got together there had been no promises of us , well being together. And I stayed because I knew he was my soul mate. And here I am being tested once more, for the same exact thing. There is no promise that after this we will be together, in love and married. I hope at least best friends. But that will be hard to do if I am still in love with him.

I don't want anyone else. I want to wake up to his face for the rest of my life no matter what.

He tells me this tonight " I know this is hard, but I need you to be strong and to be support for not only our children but me. "  and separately " One of us needs the hope, or it will never work".

That is a lot to ask me right now knowing that in his head, we are both very much single. Tomorrow we have a therapy, and we shall see if it helps at all. I am unsure if it will, which saddens me. I want this to all be over, I want this to be a few months down the road so that I know what the outcome will be. I need help. But I won't ask for it. I need friends, but am afraid to confide to much in anyone. I don't want to be a burden to the ones I love. I don't know how to be normal or have fun, then when I think about what I would do, I realize, hey I am a mom, that will not happen for a very long time. How does one start over with kids? I know it is possible. Plenty of people have done it. I just don't know how. I am very near the edge of being lost.

But, for the support, I will do what I do and be there. Be supportive and hold it together for my children, and for him. After all, that is what love is. Even if it may only be one sided.

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