Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

I've always been very forward with my feelings for someone. But I've heard men say that they don't know where they stand with the person they like. I've never understood that personally, until now. Story time. So I've been "seeing" someone since around November. We have gone on several dates and by date 8 I finally got a kiss. So at that time I decided to drop any other potential  suitors. Maybe stupid on my part as we never had that type of conversation. He's a very nice guy and complete gentleman, also very slow moving. Even took the kiddos out on a date. At first it was cute and now I just feel I am along for his ride. Will he ever know what "this" is? So we have a conversation recently and he mentions how we aren't in a relationship but moving towards one . And that he isn't seeing anyone else either. But is going on a trip with a female companion. ..overseas... For two weeks. Fantastic. So after our chat I still feel lost and con...

What a wonderful thing, the World being round. No matter how dark, the sun shines again. Stars light up the darkness, to guide your way. Waiting for the moment,  of rebirth. Find that Angel, and hold on tight. No pain is forever, follow the light. Wake from this dream, and know who you are. You're an amazing beam, of the highest star. It's amazing how I look back and see all the ups and downs of the past years. Then I realize, no matter how much I want everything to be wonderful, that is just not how life works. Yes, I can get extremely depressed and write about it here. The worst part of my thoughts go out on the internet. Why? Because if I don't have an outlet, what happens to those thoughts... they may become a reality. Isn't that anyone's fear.  I am not a person that likes being dark, when it happens it must be purged. So I do that here. But there is so much I fight for on any given day. Yes, it is draining. But there are people like me tha...

It's been awhile since I've updated. I've actually been really busy with life. I have been on yet another temporary assignment. As always, not promising. But, this is not why I am writing. I'm depressed, angry, hurt, alone and empty feeling. Why you ask? So many reasons.. So let's start back in July and we can go from there.  July was not as rough as it could have been. Newly single, and I really didn't advertise it. So I just jumped into my new admin role and was enjoying life. I actually stopped drinking completely at this point. I liked the new mental clarity of being sober. It was amazing.  I met a very shy boy, and we still talk. But nothing will come from it. I'm a bit too much of a person for him to handle. I like the friendship though. It's simple and no expectations other then friends. August was okay for the first few weeks. Then shit started getting frustrating because I found out that my normal schedule was going to change. I ended up going t...

It's been about a week.  I am still super upset about the entire situation. I have lost about ten pounds. I know, not healthy, but I am sure I will gain it right back. I miss him terribly and still love him very much. But I know sometimes we need to walk away from someone who isn't willing to save themselves.  He doesn't believe in God or religion. And I know that most don't. But for those that do, please pray for him and his family. Pray that he will get healthy and love himself so he can be the best person he can be. Pray for his happiness with me. Please. And thank you.

The title is how long my recent relationship lasted. I ended it today, yes me.  It's not because I don't love him. But because he is not taking care of himself. As always, lets air my dirty laundry on the faceless internet world.  I grew up with an alcoholic father. It really did some damage. I did years of Al-anon, Ala-teen, all of it AA Programs for family members that are dealing with alcoholics. It helped me understand that it's not my fault and I can't make them change. Sure, it made me grow up far too quickly, but my mom was protecting us and making sure we understood why this was happening. I couldn't have asked for a better mom. And even though my dad is and will always be an alcoholic, I love him.  The reason I am telling you this is because my Boyfriend is an alcoholic. Well, not my boyfriend anymore. I have talked to him about his drinking issues before and I thought we had been doing good. But as I should have known, he is only going to tell me wha...

Maybe I curse myself. Whatever it is..I spoke too soon I guess. For Mother's Day I didn't even get to see my boyfriend. I knew he was going to hang out with his mom, but I at least thought I would get to see him at some point. Nope. Not at all. He took a nap instead. My day was hell. Screaming babies...blood from screaming babies because they decided to get hurt today. And no comfort..or hugs.. Maybe I just expect too much. I want romance. It just isn't a thing. Nothing but dreams that will never come true. Super depressed and needed to type. Not that it's making me feel better as normal. Giant hole.

It's gone by super quick. Ups and Downs still. But I owe it to you all to update!  So as you have seen with my previous post I have a Boyfriend. I actually met him back in 2006 at work. He shortly left my company and has done other things with his life. He was married at the time and has two kids of his own. Teenagers at this point. After his wife, he was then in a very long relationship with another. They broke up towards the end of last year.  I have seen him from time to time through out the years at Blizzcon. He always made sure to come find me and say hello. Then in November he Facebook stalked me and hit me up. I decided fuck it, and met him for a drink one day after Super X-fit. He came off as a douche honestly, making sure to tell me how he is not wanting a relationship with anyone, just friendship. So immediately I was like, Fuck this guy, I am out. I am done with flings, I have had those and can have them all I want. Over it. ( I mentioned that I met him towards th...