Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

Five years ago, I was supposed to get Married.  It is hard to think that it would have been Five years on April 16th.  But then again, I can't complain. He never really loved me, just the thought of me .... and I feel it may have been the same for me. So I can't place all the blame.  Five years, and I have been single for four of them.  Back to being single again as well. I got dumped this time with the lovely line " its not you, its me". Thanks bro.  But looking back, I have to wonder why. Why am I just not date-able? Is it me? Is it the kids? My generation sucks.  Sure I have my standards and no I don't think they are too high. Then I look at some of my friends who are in 10 yr+ relationships and not happy. I don't want that. I want to be happy. I think we all deserve that much. Maybe I've lost my person, or passed them up. And that is something I can start to come to terms with. I have me, I have my kids and I have my workouts.  Five years, ...

Life is so full of insecurities and unknown. How do you live with that constant worry , fear and loneliness that a lot of people feel. Sure, there are some who don't know what this feels like. Or they just block it out. But what does that do. It feels fake. Life will constantly change.  Life will constantly be a challenge. When you have a few good months of steady, happy, easy life, enjoy that moment. Hold onto it and remember it, but remember where you came from. Be humble, be helpful, love, care, give. Share that happiness that is so needed by so many, and don't be selfish. Our world is spiraling to a very dark place. Murders, kidnapping, drugs, hit and runs, violence. Make a difference. If we don't, then our children will not have a future.......we may not have a future. Help Save us before we destroy ourselves.  

I've always been very forward with my feelings for someone. But I've heard men say that they don't know where they stand with the person they like. I've never understood that personally, until now. Story time. So I've been "seeing" someone since around November. We have gone on several dates and by date 8 I finally got a kiss. So at that time I decided to drop any other potential  suitors. Maybe stupid on my part as we never had that type of conversation. He's a very nice guy and complete gentleman, also very slow moving. Even took the kiddos out on a date. At first it was cute and now I just feel I am along for his ride. Will he ever know what "this" is? So we have a conversation recently and he mentions how we aren't in a relationship but moving towards one . And that he isn't seeing anyone else either. But is going on a trip with a female companion. ..overseas... For two weeks. Fantastic. So after our chat I still feel lost and con...

What a wonderful thing, the World being round. No matter how dark, the sun shines again. Stars light up the darkness, to guide your way. Waiting for the moment,  of rebirth. Find that Angel, and hold on tight. No pain is forever, follow the light. Wake from this dream, and know who you are. You're an amazing beam, of the highest star. It's amazing how I look back and see all the ups and downs of the past years. Then I realize, no matter how much I want everything to be wonderful, that is just not how life works. Yes, I can get extremely depressed and write about it here. The worst part of my thoughts go out on the internet. Why? Because if I don't have an outlet, what happens to those thoughts... they may become a reality. Isn't that anyone's fear.  I am not a person that likes being dark, when it happens it must be purged. So I do that here. But there is so much I fight for on any given day. Yes, it is draining. But there are people like me tha...

It's been awhile since I've updated. I've actually been really busy with life. I have been on yet another temporary assignment. As always, not promising. But, this is not why I am writing. I'm depressed, angry, hurt, alone and empty feeling. Why you ask? So many reasons.. So let's start back in July and we can go from there.  July was not as rough as it could have been. Newly single, and I really didn't advertise it. So I just jumped into my new admin role and was enjoying life. I actually stopped drinking completely at this point. I liked the new mental clarity of being sober. It was amazing.  I met a very shy boy, and we still talk. But nothing will come from it. I'm a bit too much of a person for him to handle. I like the friendship though. It's simple and no expectations other then friends. August was okay for the first few weeks. Then shit started getting frustrating because I found out that my normal schedule was going to change. I ended up going t...

It's been about a week.  I am still super upset about the entire situation. I have lost about ten pounds. I know, not healthy, but I am sure I will gain it right back. I miss him terribly and still love him very much. But I know sometimes we need to walk away from someone who isn't willing to save themselves.  He doesn't believe in God or religion. And I know that most don't. But for those that do, please pray for him and his family. Pray that he will get healthy and love himself so he can be the best person he can be. Pray for his happiness with me. Please. And thank you.

The title is how long my recent relationship lasted. I ended it today, yes me.  It's not because I don't love him. But because he is not taking care of himself. As always, lets air my dirty laundry on the faceless internet world.  I grew up with an alcoholic father. It really did some damage. I did years of Al-anon, Ala-teen, all of it AA Programs for family members that are dealing with alcoholics. It helped me understand that it's not my fault and I can't make them change. Sure, it made me grow up far too quickly, but my mom was protecting us and making sure we understood why this was happening. I couldn't have asked for a better mom. And even though my dad is and will always be an alcoholic, I love him.  The reason I am telling you this is because my Boyfriend is an alcoholic. Well, not my boyfriend anymore. I have talked to him about his drinking issues before and I thought we had been doing good. But as I should have known, he is only going to tell me wha...