Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

I realize it has almost been a full year of silence from me. This isn't because I haven't wants to say anything, I just was keeping myself so busy I never got around to it. I kept trying to write posts from my Ipad and then it would crash. Here I am, sitting at my computer, ready to give life updates. From April to July my life was very day to day. Nothing exciting. Then, I made the choice at the end of May to go back to school. It was the best choice I have ever made. Granted I barely have time for myself, but I will have my BA by 2018. I hit the 10 year mark at my company as well. So lets start there. August was an extremely emotional moth for me. I found out on a Friday morning that I had been accepted for yet another Temporary Assignment and that I got accepted to school! ALL Within an hour of each other!  I was very lucky to even have the opportunity to apply as I was on a cool down for Temporary Assignments. It was a coordinator role for the Talent and Organizational ...

Five years ago, I was supposed to get Married.  It is hard to think that it would have been Five years on April 16th.  But then again, I can't complain. He never really loved me, just the thought of me .... and I feel it may have been the same for me. So I can't place all the blame.  Five years, and I have been single for four of them.  Back to being single again as well. I got dumped this time with the lovely line " its not you, its me". Thanks bro.  But looking back, I have to wonder why. Why am I just not date-able? Is it me? Is it the kids? My generation sucks.  Sure I have my standards and no I don't think they are too high. Then I look at some of my friends who are in 10 yr+ relationships and not happy. I don't want that. I want to be happy. I think we all deserve that much. Maybe I've lost my person, or passed them up. And that is something I can start to come to terms with. I have me, I have my kids and I have my workouts.  Five years, ...

Life is so full of insecurities and unknown. How do you live with that constant worry , fear and loneliness that a lot of people feel. Sure, there are some who don't know what this feels like. Or they just block it out. But what does that do. It feels fake. Life will constantly change.  Life will constantly be a challenge. When you have a few good months of steady, happy, easy life, enjoy that moment. Hold onto it and remember it, but remember where you came from. Be humble, be helpful, love, care, give. Share that happiness that is so needed by so many, and don't be selfish. Our world is spiraling to a very dark place. Murders, kidnapping, drugs, hit and runs, violence. Make a difference. If we don't, then our children will not have a future.......we may not have a future. Help Save us before we destroy ourselves.  

I've always been very forward with my feelings for someone. But I've heard men say that they don't know where they stand with the person they like. I've never understood that personally, until now. Story time. So I've been "seeing" someone since around November. We have gone on several dates and by date 8 I finally got a kiss. So at that time I decided to drop any other potential  suitors. Maybe stupid on my part as we never had that type of conversation. He's a very nice guy and complete gentleman, also very slow moving. Even took the kiddos out on a date. At first it was cute and now I just feel I am along for his ride. Will he ever know what "this" is? So we have a conversation recently and he mentions how we aren't in a relationship but moving towards one . And that he isn't seeing anyone else either. But is going on a trip with a female companion. ..overseas... For two weeks. Fantastic. So after our chat I still feel lost and con...

What a wonderful thing, the World being round. No matter how dark, the sun shines again. Stars light up the darkness, to guide your way. Waiting for the moment,  of rebirth. Find that Angel, and hold on tight. No pain is forever, follow the light. Wake from this dream, and know who you are. You're an amazing beam, of the highest star. It's amazing how I look back and see all the ups and downs of the past years. Then I realize, no matter how much I want everything to be wonderful, that is just not how life works. Yes, I can get extremely depressed and write about it here. The worst part of my thoughts go out on the internet. Why? Because if I don't have an outlet, what happens to those thoughts... they may become a reality. Isn't that anyone's fear.  I am not a person that likes being dark, when it happens it must be purged. So I do that here. But there is so much I fight for on any given day. Yes, it is draining. But there are people like me tha...

It's been awhile since I've updated. I've actually been really busy with life. I have been on yet another temporary assignment. As always, not promising. But, this is not why I am writing. I'm depressed, angry, hurt, alone and empty feeling. Why you ask? So many reasons.. So let's start back in July and we can go from there.  July was not as rough as it could have been. Newly single, and I really didn't advertise it. So I just jumped into my new admin role and was enjoying life. I actually stopped drinking completely at this point. I liked the new mental clarity of being sober. It was amazing.  I met a very shy boy, and we still talk. But nothing will come from it. I'm a bit too much of a person for him to handle. I like the friendship though. It's simple and no expectations other then friends. August was okay for the first few weeks. Then shit started getting frustrating because I found out that my normal schedule was going to change. I ended up going t...

It's been about a week.  I am still super upset about the entire situation. I have lost about ten pounds. I know, not healthy, but I am sure I will gain it right back. I miss him terribly and still love him very much. But I know sometimes we need to walk away from someone who isn't willing to save themselves.  He doesn't believe in God or religion. And I know that most don't. But for those that do, please pray for him and his family. Pray that he will get healthy and love himself so he can be the best person he can be. Pray for his happiness with me. Please. And thank you.