Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

Sometimes the world isn't what we want it to be. I realize that crying for three hours is not normal. Nor is being up at 3:00 AM from crying and stress, but I always wonder how I will make it. I will. For my kids, but only for them. That is where I get upset. I no longer care what happens to me, I just want to make sure my babies are provided for and that I can give them the life they deserve. I'm willing to sacrifice so much for them, because I love them. That's what love should be, not holding something over someones head, or forcing them to do something they don't want to do, but to support them when they make a bad choice, and help them through it. Ivr made bad choices and always had to be my own rock, and boy, I am so runned down from it. Just once I'd like someone to be there for me, help me through the rough patches where I could break down and have a shoulder to cry on. I guess that us what this blog has always been. Years if me using the internet as a rock ...

To start, this is NOT about my boyfriend. We are in a healthy place with open communication.  When you search "psychological abuse", so often it comes up with your SO being the abuser. But, what it doesn't mention is how that abuser affects everyone in the same living quarters. Children, grandchildren,  extended family. It's not okay to look past these situations and let those suffer. Sometimes you have to be willing to put aside your fears of being homeless and jobless and start over without the constant fear of being yelled at, belittled or just existing in your own home. You cannot use the excuse of an illness as a reason why the behavior is okay. Humanity and making the world a better place has always been my goal and this needs to be said as a step forward to help make the world a better place. I can't save the world if I can't save myself, my kids and my mom.  Being told CPS has been called on me to entice fear because I don't want to do som...

Depression. It's been apart of who I am for the past 11 years. What caused it, I don't know. I've actively fought the symptoms the moment I realized what was going on. I'm lucky, I have two tiny humans to depend on me when so many have nothing to fight for. Because of them I fight all the negative. I want to be here for them when they cry, when they have children and everything else they may need. I know it is not an easy fight, but I have something to fight for. Their love, their lives and their happiness. I may not ever get my ideal happiness. But I will make sure they have theirs. It's sometimes the only thing keeping me moving forward. I need them to know that no matter how hard things may get, that there is always a future. Just because life doesn't go as planned, it's life and you can continue on. I know this is an odd post, but it needed to be said. I have to acknowledge my own demons before I can sleep tonight. As long as they don't see m...

It is hard to explain to people who don't suffer from any mental illness, on what you go through on a daily basis. Some people are lucky and depression and anxiety are not a constant threat in their lives. Then you have the people like me where you live with it at each waking moment. I think my "favorite" (Insert sarcasm) thing that happens is when I pick out something cute, but it may also be bright. I enjoy vibrant colors, they make me happy. I don't enjoy the constant anxiety of thinking I am being looked at and viewed negatively for those vibrant colors. Sure, deep down I know I am being paranoid and I am letting my anxiety win in those moments, but sometimes you cannot help it. It sneaks up on you. Anxiety causes so many issues in my life, that it makes it hard to navigate sometimes and this can lead to more issues. Depression, another black hole. A constant fear of abandonment, of not being important enough, of not mattering. The best way I can explain it, is ...

I know I only write when I am having a hard time, but if that is the case, history shows I am having those less as the years go by, maybe a few more this year. Lately I feel as though I am an afterthought. An afterthought at work, at home, and with my boyfriend. I keep falling in this negativity trap and it sucks. Let's start with work. I want to progress, but it feels as though my boss doesn't want me to. He just wants me to stay his personal assistant and never move forward, and that sucks. I really want to grow in this career, but I know he will not let me. He likes me to do everything for him, down to moving meetings on his own calendar. Home is a shit show with my so called father. He's so toxic to everyone around him and I wish I could just leave and not be here anymore, but I have no choice. I can't afford to do anything else. And then my boyfriend. It has almost been a year and he has never told me that he loves me. Rarely answers my calls and always just ...

The wonderful world of living with depression, whether it is in so called "remission" or not, it is always there. As my one plug for those with depression, there are resources out there for you, you are not alone and you can get through this. I know it seems like there isn't an end, but always fight for you, you are worth it, no matter what. With that being said, I feel like it has been a roller coaster week for me. I am feel like a person in those Romance Novels you read about. I will be the first to admit that I am 100% stubborn and refuse to say I love you first, but it also sucks as I don't think my man is the type of person who will easily say it first as he too has been pretty burned in the past. So it puts me in a pretty crappy situation at the moment. On top of those extremely strong feelings deciding they want to be around, my depression and lack of self worth have also jumped out of the shadows to say hello. I feel like I have been torn in so many directio...

I can't believe it has already been a month! Where has the time gone! Flown right on by! I was a very lucky girl this weekend and my handsome and most amazing boyfriend came out to visit. Though, it was only for a weekend, it was a great weekend. It helped out a lot. I have been missing him a lot lately.  I am also making a visit to go see him in a few weeks, yay me on a plane, that shall be interesting. I may be slightly tipsy by 6:00 in the morning.  In March, I am going on a vacation and I will have to face something I have been avoiding since November. It is always hard to see part of your life end with a person. That chapter has come and gone and selfish people deserve selfish people, so I hope it works out for them. But, having to see it face to face is going to be rough. I already have come to peace that having her in my life is over. I was excited as I was under the assumption I was getting a new friend. Sadly, I found out they wanted more than friends and quickly ...