Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

I debated writing this post and here I am, writing it eight days later. February 2 was a difficult day for me. Exactly one year before the man of my dreams told me he loved me. He told me that he realized he loved me for almost six plus months prior and just didn't know how to say it. He was afraid of having that type of emotion again. Yet. Less than a year after those words had been said to me, we are no longer together.  It doesn't make sense to me. Every single day I feel like I am dying and I pretend I am fine. Every single day I feel less of a person. I  don't understand why I keep picking males that ultimately leave me. Why I apparently have this "type" as everyone keeps telling me, that end up not following through.  What is so wrong with me, that no one wants to make it work? I have friends that say they aren't surprised as they never saw it being serious. Well FUCK YOU GUYS, because I DID. I thought he was my end game. My world started and ended with ...

It finally happened. On January 15th my relationship officially ended. Granted, we haven't seen each other since our anniversary,  but it is over. He made me break it off because he wasnt man enough to do it himself.  He said he didn't want to lose my friendship and said I was being unfair for not being his friend.  He was being selfish for not realizing what he was asking.  For not realizing that he had completely crushed my heart and soul and my children's. Another man has walked out on their mom and them. Another man has deemed them not worthy to stay and he thinks it is not fair that I can't and won't stay his friend. As I wrote a letter to explain to him why I couldn't remain friends, I didn't realize I was crying until the droplets hit the paper. Giant puddles formed making my pain visible and very real. I let each one fall and stain the page so that I could start the healing process.  I allowed myself one full day to cry. One full day to realize that ...

Sometimes I dont know how to express my thoughts or feelings. This is the best I can do right now as there is still so much going on. I realize that my role in life is only mother, never wife.  That's just not in my cards.  You said you'd take care of me You said it would be fun You said we'll get married  And be a family You said you'd take care of me Even when things got hard You said no matter what, Two are better than one You said you'd take care of me I never thought you'd run Disappearing like a ghost  Forgetting all the fun You said you'd take care of me Until you realized it was work  All the pain, all the hurt  All because you said you'd take care if me And for once I believed in true love 

I've grown up in a broken home. I've known nothing else. Fighting, yelling, name calling. It has all been normal. I have been trying to shield my kids from the bullshit that has been my life and it hasn't been bad for some time. Then something happened in June and everything seemed to spiral out of control.  I've been in a relationship with a man who loves my kids and treated them as his own, they adore him and I really don't know how I am going to tell them that the last two years wasn't our forever as we had all hoped. Some people aren't built to handle the type of bullshit that I endure on a daily basis, are not built to support and be that rock. But sometimes, even the rock can shatter and then only the rock can pick up her own pieces. Even though this rock was told that it was forever and marriage was going to happen someday.  Domestic violence happens every single day in a lot of homes and people don't talk about it. I'm talking about it now be...

Sometimes the world isn't what we want it to be. I realize that crying for three hours is not normal. Nor is being up at 3:00 AM from crying and stress, but I always wonder how I will make it. I will. For my kids, but only for them. That is where I get upset. I no longer care what happens to me, I just want to make sure my babies are provided for and that I can give them the life they deserve. I'm willing to sacrifice so much for them, because I love them. That's what love should be, not holding something over someones head, or forcing them to do something they don't want to do, but to support them when they make a bad choice, and help them through it. Ivr made bad choices and always had to be my own rock, and boy, I am so runned down from it. Just once I'd like someone to be there for me, help me through the rough patches where I could break down and have a shoulder to cry on. I guess that us what this blog has always been. Years if me using the internet as a rock ...

To start, this is NOT about my boyfriend. We are in a healthy place with open communication.  When you search "psychological abuse", so often it comes up with your SO being the abuser. But, what it doesn't mention is how that abuser affects everyone in the same living quarters. Children, grandchildren,  extended family. It's not okay to look past these situations and let those suffer. Sometimes you have to be willing to put aside your fears of being homeless and jobless and start over without the constant fear of being yelled at, belittled or just existing in your own home. You cannot use the excuse of an illness as a reason why the behavior is okay. Humanity and making the world a better place has always been my goal and this needs to be said as a step forward to help make the world a better place. I can't save the world if I can't save myself, my kids and my mom.  Being told CPS has been called on me to entice fear because I don't want to do som...

Depression. It's been apart of who I am for the past 11 years. What caused it, I don't know. I've actively fought the symptoms the moment I realized what was going on. I'm lucky, I have two tiny humans to depend on me when so many have nothing to fight for. Because of them I fight all the negative. I want to be here for them when they cry, when they have children and everything else they may need. I know it is not an easy fight, but I have something to fight for. Their love, their lives and their happiness. I may not ever get my ideal happiness. But I will make sure they have theirs. It's sometimes the only thing keeping me moving forward. I need them to know that no matter how hard things may get, that there is always a future. Just because life doesn't go as planned, it's life and you can continue on. I know this is an odd post, but it needed to be said. I have to acknowledge my own demons before I can sleep tonight. As long as they don't see m...