Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

This blog has always been my release of thoughts. Word Vomit into the nothingness of the internet. When I started posting over 13 years ago, the internet was a much different beast than it is today. Social media is so huge now, and everyone does it.       First, this blog helped me get through one of the most devastating losses of my life, at least I thought it was a loss. Now it is more of an annoyance that I have to deal with for a few more years. Watching someone not care about their kids is always a hard thing. I am sure he cares in his own way, just not in a way that is healthy for the babies. But that is not the point of today's post.       I realized that recently I have been talking a lot about something I have kept hidden from the world for a long time. Why? Because it has been something that is uncomfortable to talk about and is embarrassing to talk about and frankly, scary to talk about. Domestic Violence isn't something that you can j...

It has been over a month and I am still struggling with this Recovery. The cough does NOT go away for me. I have tested negative as my doctor FINALLY was able to give me the official test. She said she wanted to make sure I was indeed better. They ran blood tests to check for the antibody as well. So we will see how that goes come later today when I have my Televisit for my blood results. For the most part I feel great. It is just this lingering cough that will not go away to save my life. It almost feels like an allergy, but isn't as it is deep in the chest cavity. Please take care of yourselves. This will someday pass and we will have to look back on how we treated ourselves and our neighbors, and even strangers. I hope you feel good about what you did during this time. 

The pain is finally subsiding and over the counter medication seems to be helping. I cannot imagine what would have happened if I had to be a statistic and went to the hospital. I know I am lucky to have a friend who is a doctor who cared for me via phone and offered my mom advice on how to get my through this illness. I know that I am by no means out of the woods as she said a relapse could totally happen, but I am at least out of bed and feeling like a human once more. I showered and put on makeup so I didn't feel like death. Today's note is going to be short as I am still exhausted. 

When you are attending a medical school for animals you still study how the immune system works. Its the same for animals as it is people. You have the innate and adaptive immune system. You're born with the innate system and this is our first line of defense against illness. Our skin is part of this defense system, but it's not specific.  Our body just fights off whatever it can.  Then we have the adaptive immune system. This is specific.  This is why the flu shot is recommended because it gives our adaptive system time to build immunity to a new virus. Now, with that being said,  back to COVID.  I am on day 3 of showing symptoms and thankfully I don't need to go to the hospital as of yet. I do however, feel like I am dying. My body is doing its best to fight this off, but without previous knowledge of this virus, it is hard. I drink so much water ever single day and I still feel dehydrated. My entire body hurts and is exhausted from the energy that us bein...

      The hardest part about being stuck in your house, is being stuck in your house with Domestic Violence. At least before the kids and I had been able to go to school during the day and have some freedom.   Week one at home wasn't that bad.  I heard him yell at my mom from time to time at night, but it was contained, and I did worry about her.  Then week two came along and it started to flow out of the room and through the house.  Wednesday, he yelled at her because she didn't want to sit outside with him because it was cold. Yesterday because she didn't want my dog to be outside while other dogs had been off leash, which is a rule. So, I intervened, and he started to take it out on me. I will take it because I don't want him to yell at my mom anymore.  Today is my mom's birthday. Stuck in a house with an abuser and not even able to take her out.  I got her flowers delivered, a beautiful sun hat and sadly I burnt dinner, but I tried...

You would think that with everything going on, my mind wouldn't go back to the one person who crushed my heart, but it does. I sit here and wonder if he even cares how we are doing during this pandemic, if we are okay. If I am holding up with severe depression and anxiety. Then I realize he most likely doesn't even care because he never loved me the way that I loved him. I just hope I can do my best for my kids and that we get through this together as a family unit. Now I am stuck in a house with my life long abuser, trying to keep my kids safe so that they are not the next victims. We cannot leave and escape to school during the day as it was canceled until the end of April, who knows, maybe forever.  I will fight for them as long as I am alive, no matter what, they are my reason for being here. This is my worst fear as a parent. Raising my kids in a world where other people may become their worst enemy. Where other people will exploit the kindness to get supplies that the...

I debated writing this post and here I am, writing it eight days later. February 2 was a difficult day for me. Exactly one year before the man of my dreams told me he loved me. He told me that he realized he loved me for almost six plus months prior and just didn't know how to say it. He was afraid of having that type of emotion again. Yet. Less than a year after those words had been said to me, we are no longer together.  It doesn't make sense to me. Every single day I feel like I am dying and I pretend I am fine. Every single day I feel less of a person. I  don't understand why I keep picking males that ultimately leave me. Why I apparently have this "type" as everyone keeps telling me, that end up not following through.  What is so wrong with me, that no one wants to make it work? I have friends that say they aren't surprised as they never saw it being serious. Well FUCK YOU GUYS, because I DID. I thought he was my end game. My world started and ended with ...