Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

Living in a house with a racist and a domestic violent abuser is one of the hardest situations I have ever had to deal with. Imagine yourself as a single parent with two mixed children. You are white female, but your kids are only half white. You find yourself with an abusive father, always has been and you already do everything to make sure your kids are protected from that, but now, when you find yourself fighting to be on the right side of history, you are in a house where someone is on the wrong side of it. It doesn't shock me at all that he is, but what does surprise me is how unwilling he is to listen to anyone else when it comes to their views. I have to wonder what he is going to do when my Black Lives Matter paraphernalia comes in. I got T-shirts, hats, face coverings, mugs for myself and the kids so we can go out and fight for a good cause. I never imagined I would have to fight that cause in my own home as well. My dad’s excuse is as simple as “my grandparent’s got thr...

Sometimes I have to wonder about how we've gotten to this place. I feel like I am living in a movie, but a bad one. One where you are screaming at the TV screen that you know what happens next if you go down this road, but we do it any ways. So many movies have been written about what not to do, yet we do it anyway. It is amazing to me. I get that movies make these types of situations seem awesome and cool, but honestly, they aren't. Let us move forward, not backwards. Let's us unite, not divide. Some of us may be left behind because the idea of progressing to something greater is scary and I totally get that, but it is time we realize that this isn't about us individually, this is about us as a people.  I think of phrases that have been said throughout time and I relate to them very differently than what they may have originally been used for. The context to me no longer matters, because the idea to me has changed or evolved over time. Statements like "we the peop...

I find myself overwhelmed with emotions today. It started early this morning when I picked up my son's belongings from school. His yearbook, void of any fun signatures from friends. Nothing that marked a fun end of the year. I cried as I wrote a note in his yearbook on why it was blank. Because of COVID. I then came back to my room and cried because there was so much more I was thinking about. My poor little babies have to grow up in a world of civil unrest, racism and domestic violence.  Then I went through my day, taking my classes, stressing out wondering why there is so much hate in this world. How we have fallen so far, so fast. I do not understand how people can hate one another so passionately for no real reason. I reflected on a conversation I had with a friend this weekend, on how if everyone was just nice to one another how the world would be so much easier. We are the people that say hello to strangers and smile at random people to brighten their day. We both understand ...

Another day in the life of Domestic Violence.  So far, it is on the mild side. First, I got a package and instead of it being placed nicely it was thrown on the ground. Mom asked who it was for and he replied with It's not for you or me. So I was like "obviously it's for me since he can't just say that it is". Again, I know I could have ignored him being mean to my mom and throwing my breakable package on the ground,  but after 70+ days of lockdown and this abuse it gets really hard to just take it.  So that pissed him off. He finishes making his dinner that I purchased for everyone and goes outside.  But he left the microwave open because it was dirty and one of us needed to clean it, god forbid he do that. Then I look at the counter where he made his dinner and he left a giant mess. He does every day. He never cleans up after himself and then he yells at me or my mom for the mess.  It is unreal. I really don't understand how the VA hospital is ok...

Here we are, another day and more yelling. Still over the boxes in the garage. I still don't have time to go through them and I told him I wasn't ready. He was LIVID that I didn't stop my entire life to go through the boxes that he pulled down and does not want to go through. I know I shouldn't have run my mouth but I did tell him that he cannot control me and he has no right to yell at me because I didn't pull the boxes down, he did. I told him that I would go rent a storage unit and put all the boxes in the unit until I was ready to go through them and that just set him off even more. He told me to fuck off and kept screaming at me even though I offered a solution to get the boxes out of the garage. But the main issue here wasn't that I found a solution, it was that I wasn't doing it HIS WAY. I wasn't following exactly with what he wanted.  I am so tired of women being treated like this and people thinking it is okay. Domestic issues are over looked ev...

I had a seemingly good day today. I got a lot of work done that needed to be done and was doing my best to avoid any conflict. I even got a lot off my chest about things that really bothered me. Had a lovely night watching movies on the projector on the side of the house and then as everyone is getting ready to go to bed, at 10:45 pm, my beautiful day was ruined. This started a few days ago and it is finally coming out and everyone is the target. Three days ago the "father figure" decided it was a good idea to take a bunch of boxes down and put them out in the garage. Now his car is parked out front like mine is always parked out front. Big Deal. He started a project that he expected other's to finish. What I mean is this. He took the boxes down and flatly told mom "fix this, clean it up". Who does that, it was his project and now he is demanding she cleans it. But the kicker is he wants her to do it while it is 100 degrees outside with no regard to her health o...

Normally I am not a political person. I stay out of it with my opinions and sit on the sidelines. I want to be a neutral party where both sides can speak their mind and not worry about which side I am on. But, at this point in our history I don't feel I can be neutral any longer. This hatred in our world needs to stop. I know that I have gotten away with so much because of my skin color and frankly it's 100% bullshit.  Let me give you some backstory on why I say this. I am a 34 year old white lady, about to be 35 years old. I have been pulled over a fair amount of times in my life and there have been things I have said and done that if I was not white, and not a lady, I would have been arrested, beaten or even shot. I know that I am privileged, and it is infuriating and not right. It's never been something I have abused, but it is not something I really thought a lot about until recently. I started to go through my life experiences and wondered how the outcomes would have b...