Random Thoughts From A Not So Confused Mind.

Recently I had surgery. I was out on leave for six weeks recovering and everything was great (minus the home drama, that will not be part of this post after this). I go back to work to a changed schedule. The Thursday before I go back, my manager called and gave me a heads up that our Critical care unit was hurting, and they needed coverage. The plan was for me to cover two days there, and remain two days in Emergency, which was my normal schedule. I agreed. Those two days became three and I just let it slide. First week back, second day in, I had a full on break down in our social workers office crying my eyes out because we had over 20 patients and just me and one other tech. Out of those patients, four of them had been actively trying to die on us, and one of them did die after I went home for the evening. In situations like this, I get extremely angry, because this was preventable for us to be this stressed out, maybe not the death, but the stress for sure. More help should have be...

Growing up in a home with Domestic Voilence isn't something that is always seen from outsiders. Family and friends may think everything is great. The abuser comes off as a great guy. Becomes friends with your friends, sometimes better friends than you because you're too afraid to let anyone get close and see the truth. I'm 37 years old and still living in an abusive home because this economy is not kind. I have safeguards to protect my mind now, but damage has been done after 30+ years of abuse.   I know I've mentioned incidents in the past, but I want to do a deeper dive into why abusers get away with so much and why victims stay as long as we do. The simple answer comes down to this. Abuse happens because the world let's it happen. This isn't just a problem in America, but world wide. Our system fails us, every single day. Just because we aren't getting physically beat up every single day, doesn't mean there isn't damage being done. Coercive contro...

 On December 10, 2022 the world lost a great man.  He taught me to be patient. He taught me to be kind. He taught me that even if you are not blood, you can be loved as family. That last part I didn't know until I was an adult. My grandfather passed away last night in his sleep. His months of suffering has finally come to an end. He was at home with my grandma surrounded in love with her and his animals where he belonged. I may have never known he was my step-grandfather until I was an adult, but that is just a title. To me, he was my grandpa. I was his birthday gift. I was the one he would sneak little tiny stuffed animals to from the grocery store. Then tell me not to tell anyone because they would get jealous. I was the one that went everywhere with him, because I was born on his birthday. Grandpa, you may have said I was your birthday gift, but to me, you had been my gift. The gift of unconditional love and happiness. You will be forever missed, and never forgotten. 

 It has been so long since I have written that I do not even know where to start. The last thing I wrote was very emotional because I was losing a friend, right at a crucial time in my life. I was in my last term of school, getting ready to take finals and my exit exam and there was still a lot happening at home. It seems like a never-ending cycle of constant struggle. But why is this a constant struggle? Well, you see, people in a situation like mine feel stuck. We have “no options” and don’t have great ways out. The resources are lacking, and the system fails us over and over again and no matter how hard we try, it is like quicksand. It’s almost too embarrassing to admit it is easier to stay in the shitty situation than to start over. So here I am writing about my last year to help everyone realize that we may not get a second chance. August 2021, I graduated College and went to Vegas with some amazing people. It was the time of my life. I started working right when I got back ...

 I started going to therapy not too long ago and it has been helping me with a lot of things. It has helped me realize a lot of toxic traits in a friend of mine and sadly we are no longer friends. She is now spreading lies about me and trying to turn me into the bad guy. It is fine, I am used to being the bad guy and that is what she is going to do because she has to always be the innocent one. But it also hurts at the same time. I am always being walked all over and trampled on and I just let it happen. I am tying to stay partial and not stoop to her level when she keeps talking trash at work and at school. She keeps gaslighting me saying she has never said something when she has, and then says I said things I have never said. She is trying to drag our mutual friend down with the ship and I hate that as well, and it hurts to know that she is hurting. There is always two sides to a story, yes. But when her side of th story is being 'forgotten' by her and erased and then only th...

 It always feels like his crazy is horrible right around my exam times. I really think he sees me studying hard and decides "Today is the day I am going to flip the switch". Then it happens and he keeps me up late at night and starts yelling constantly and then goes outside and screams "elder abuse" when he is the one yelling at us. Today it all started because of my parrots. I had them nice and quiet and then he comes in and got them all pent up. Instead of letting them calm down he starts to talk to them and is all "I know, your mom is right there ignoring you and not paying attention to you" and kept doing this for a few moments and finally I stepped in and said "rude, I had them quiet and I was talking to them for a long time earlier". And he LOST IT. Starting to tell me how horrible I am and rude. I should have known it was a trap. I should have just walked away. This turned into hours of him telling me how I am a freeloader that does nothin...

 I stayed at a toxic job for 13 years. At first, it was because I loved my job. I loved the culture and the people and everything it stood for. I was a gamer at the time, even if it was not a good one. I thought I had the best job in the world. I put up with the sexual harassment, I put up with not getting a promotion and swore it wasn't because I was female. I put up with unwanted comments. I did this and watched as I lost who I was. I also stayed because it was a stable income while I was going through a shitty breakup and I needed to support my kids.  I know that I get jack shit for child support, but I don't care because I love my kids and I do what I can to support them on my own. I always will. But, I obviously need a job to do that. So I kept at a job that I hated and didn't realize I hated until I was laid off.  I know I have talked about this before, but it is important to talk about it today. Today has been a big day for me and a lot of crying. But not sad tears...