Thoughts

I hate it right now. I just sit here and think about what has happened. I want to attempt to make this work, but how can I move forward if I can't stop thinking about the past. Obviously there was no love for two years if he chose to do what he has done, but then why have a second child with me? Why stay with me? I personally just don't understand how you can say you love someone yet do this to them. I am not saying I am perfect, I cheated on an ex once, but we broke up shortly after. I told him what I did and told him I did it because I didn't love him. That was the truth. Why would you cheat on someone you "love" and continue to be with them. Oh wait, because I have his babies. Now I have to wonder even though he says he loves me and that he isn't staying with me because of the kids, if he is staying with me because of the kids. It is the only thing that makes sense to me.
It makes me feel like such a failure. No matter how many tell me that " you are a wonderful person and deserve better", I just can no longer grasp that. Am I a wonderful person? Do I deserve better? I must have done something in this or a previous life that brought this on. Kharma.
I know this is just a giant post of poor me. I just needed to vent. I have no outlets but my one best friend and I am sure she is super tired of hearing about all this. She is super wonderful though, and I love her to death.
I think I just need a break. To be single for a few days, a week. And See if I prefer that over being with him. Makes it hard with our living situation because I don't want to force him away from his kids. They love him to death and they expect to have him around at certain times.

I am stepping away from this post now due to the high potential of rage posting.

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